A F*&#ing Funk....It happens to all of us at different points in life. That feeling of waking up and not giving a shit about anything. Wanting to lay in bed all day and not move. I hate it. It's the bane of the existence of us Type A people. The older I get the more I realize how easy it is for people to slip into jobs, routines, lifestyles, and relationships that they do just because it's what they have been doing. We can all imagine plenty of story lines of boredom in life. (I'm imagining Ed Norton at his boring desk job in Fight Club right now for some reason) I think it is inevitable. It's when and what you do when you realize this funk that shows your character. You have to find those big goals and aspirations to chase again.
Since my last personal blog post (those few Bring Back the Mile post took away some of my creative energy there for a while and still is to a degree. I have 1 big one left that will hopefully be ground breaking conversation for track and field and not the same old stupid complaining articles), a whole lot of nothing has happened in my life. That statement may seem oximoronic, but several months have come and gone and I quite honestly don't know where the hell they went. What was supposed to be a few weeks of rest from running, with just work without the burden of training, has turned into 3 months of dealing with a lingering hip injury and working a shitload of hours at work. I have had no outlet for self expression though. While all this extra work has meant more money in my pocket than I have ever had, but it's turned me apathetic and complacent. For the first time in my life I realized that money can make you happy, but not satisfied. It seems like being poor and scrounging by makes me hungrier and more eager to succeed. I've known for years that I go stir crazy when I don't have an outlet and goal for my energy, but I am just now understanding how being still is terrible for my body and spirit.
What has really shaken me up recently, is the thought of getting stuck in this life. Stuck making money doing something I don't have a true passion for, just because it's easy. This life of getting up everyday without creating, expressing, or making an impact on people's lives is disheartening. See running and coaching has always been a form of self expression for me. It's way more than just a sport to me. It's a way that I live my life. It's hard, it's fast, and a bit rebellious (and stupid) to still be chasing a childhood dream of Olympic Trials and Olympics at age 27 (nearly 28) without the major results one would expect from an athlete my age. But none the less it hasn't completely stopped me for some unknown reason. Cause I know that if I make it, that I can truly have a positive impact on this sport and others that struggle with anxiety, depression, or rare disease. In some weird screwed up way, it was way easier in years past to come back from one of my relapses with Wegener's Granulomatosis than it has been to get out of this mental depression. See when you know you can't spend the time you know is necessary to be as elite at what you love, it's defeating and a heavy mental burden to deal with day and night. For me, if I wasn't forced to be so caught up with work over the last 3 months, had more access to trainers and therapist, my lingering hip/groin injury would be long gone and I'd be back out there grinding towards my goals. That's the life of a sub elite or a complacent worker stuck at a dead end job. People, no matter their goals, have to work to pay the bills, but I have found myself working so much that I can't give passions or my personal life the time it needs. This drives me to insanity especially when I sit and think about it, so the last 3 months I have just taken to not dealing with it by numbing out at night with loads of Budweiser and other prescription drugs.
Without running or another tangible goal in my face, I have a void in my life of excitement on a daily basis. See when you are in peak fitness, training everyday brings a level of stimulation and exhilaration that can't be matched with desk jobs, drugs, and alcohol. Pushing your body almost daily to its outer physical and mental limits brings unparalleled mental stimulation. So to supplement that feeling I have found myself back to some of my old partying ways, carrying around 15 extra pounds and eating like shit. I have come to the realization that all these bad habits are my way of chasing a feeling, chasing a high. Though training to be an elite athlete and working a full time job is hard and a pain in the ass at times, it's exhilarating and gives me the sense of accomplishment at the end of a everyday. In some ways, I understand now why some people resort to physical deformation or injury in times of depression and anxiety. Anything to experience some kind of feeling or control, even if it is physical pain. That's why it's so easy for me to slide into drug or alcohol use. It's fun to be out on the town drinking the night away in all my favorite holes. It's also incredibly easy to numb out and not have to deal with my mind that can't find its off switch. The funny thing is I suffering from both anxiety and depression, 2 polar opposite mental conditions for myself. One of over stimulation, the other feeling worthless and under-stimulated. Both of these I am very susceptible to sliding between. In August, I was over worked, over trained, racing and traveling, moving twice, flipping my beloved Toyota 4Runner, and buying a new car. Then comes September, October and November with all work and no mental stimulation or physical expression, and now I am sitting in a funk on the edge of depression.
So what do you do when you find yourself stuck in a mental or physical funk? Well there are 2 solutions. One leads over the dark edge to depression, which happens more often than some people would like to admit. The other is turning around and fighting for change, which is almost always the harder route to start, but the more fulfilling in the long run. We all need that push from somewhere to make this happen. For me it's finding ways to take back control of parts of my life and demand time for my passion. I've also found a big leap or investment monetarily can help fuel that drive. Nothing like having your back against the wall to help you come out swinging and make better decisions. Make a drastic change in your life. Quit a job, move to a new city, find a new career, help people, or go on a soul searching journey. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself out of the F*&#king Funk or it will eat at your soul. If you let it keep eating at you then you will fall off that cliff, and that's never a pretty ending. So try and stop the slide before you find rock bottom. Take back control of your life and do what makes you feel the most fulfilled, not what brings short term happiness. Even if you aren't where you want to be right this minute, find a way to continually work for your goal, and that can help you find your happiness. Remember All Hope is Gone! You have been dealt a hand in life that is sometimes shitty, but it's up to you to crawl out and learn to be ok with the hand, and move on!
Till Next Time!
All Hope is Gone